Sunday, March 26, 2017

Cutting the Bullsh**t: Zelda DOWNPLAY!?





 Hello everyone, and welcome back! So, last time I talked about how wanked the Zelda universe could get on various VS sites. Unfortunately, it seems that there really can be no middle ground, because all I have been seeing lately, even from the most reputable sources out there, is blatant downplay against the series. Is there really no end to this?

Hopefully, this will help clear up any questions that people may have, and once and for all put this to rest. I've been scouring every source I could get my hands on, and with updated information from the recent release of Breath of the Wild, this will be my most comprehensive, concise compilation of where the Zelda franchise stands from a VS standpoint. Now, let's begin.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD FOR BREATH OF THE WILD



Calamity Ganon



So the first thing I'd like to address pertains to the new information brought by the latest installment to the Zelda franchise. But first, let me give a bit of context.

Now, clearly we know that Ganon and Link must be stronger than Majora because they possess the Triforce, which is obviously more powerful than some stupid tiki mask. Now, there are some downplayers who claim that Fierce Deity was needed to defeat Majora, so he should be the only one who scales. However, it is possible to defeat him without it, and while Hyrule Historia may confirm that Link canonically used the Fierce Deity Mask to beat him, that doesn't mean that he HAD to, necessarily. But why would he put it on, you ask? Because it looks f*ckin' awesome, obviously. It serves no other purpose, because it's made up of Termina's happiness or whatever so it can't even be that powerful.

But anyway, back to Calamity Ganon. It is implied that this incarnation of Ganon is the most powerful yet, and Zelda states (and if there's one thing that can be trusted more than any other source in VS, it's statements!) that he can unleash destruction greater than any Hyrule has ever seen, and Calamity Ganon doesn't even have the Triforce of Power! This means that you don't even NEED the Triforce to be more powerful than Ganondorf when he had it!

That might sound really dumb on paper, and it may seem like I just contradicted the logic for why Ganondorf should scale to Majora, but just bear with me, I've got more.

In light of BotW's release, there are those who claim that Calamity Ganon moves the moon in order to activate the blood moons that occur in the game, which revive all the monsters that Link has killed, but that's just a bunch of silliness! First things first, there's no way to tell that Ganon is even causing these, this is never told or even so much as suggested, in fact blood moons are a naturally occurring event. It all has to do with one's perception of the moon from the Earth, which can cause it to appear red due to atmospheric gases or other factors that refract light that bounces off the moon.
It only states that Ganon's power gets STRONGER under the blood moon, not that he's causing it directly. Plus, the blood moons occur at completely random increments, so there's no way to tell how often they actually occur, etc, since Nintendo made it deliberately different for each player, making it difficult to quantify.

There's a better way to interpret this. Since the blood moon isn't actually red, that would have to mean that he is moving something that actually is, the closest thing we know of being the planet Mars. So every time there's a blood "moon" Ganon telekintetically repositions Mars in the spot that it would appear in place of the moon, then flings it back into its proper orbit by the time it is meant to end, and repeats this randomly. This is how he creates blood moons more frequently than actually possible, without messing with the tides and such, since moving the moon would do just that.

Now, doesn't that make a lot more sense?

The Sun's Song


I am happy to report that the sheer downplay that the Sun's Song is merely a time travel mechanic has also been debunked. There are sidequests where you can use it to skip ahead in time and the Kakariko Village guard reports that time has passed when you use it? Come on, why else would it be called the Sun's Song if it wasn't used to control the sun?

In fact, even that is downplaying! Clearly whenever Link uses the Sun's Song it rotates the entirety of  outer space around the Earth, which is why Link doesn't feel the force from the amount of speed that the planet would need to rotate to face either the sun or moon. In fact, even that wouldn't effect him, because he's powerful enough to move planets. Hyrule Warriors may be non-canon, but there's a calc for it, so it must be legit!


The Postman


The Postman is a character who has appeared both in Majora's Mask and Twilight Princess.





In Twilight Princess, the postman can be found in the last room of the Cave of Ordeals, a challenging optional dungeon where Link must battle through hordes of every type of enemy that appears in the game. This means that the Postman must have battled through a gauntlet of Redeads, dodongos, freezards, stalfoes, lizalfos, dinalfos, and five darknuts, and much much more just to get there. But that's not even the impressive part. As you can see in the video above, he is completely unaffected by a swing from Link's Master Sword. Now, one might argue game mechanics, but we've just established that he's clearly capable in combat, and the sword usually just phases through most character models. But note how he slightly twitches at the first second. This means that he must have dodged so fast that we were unable to perceive it. And because the Master Sword emits light, that means he must have dodged at speeds faster than light.
And considering this is just a guy who delivers mail, it makes sense that everyone else would be more powerful than this.



Digging Mits

Hyrule Historia states that these items in Skyward Sword allow Link to move the earth. It clearly means that this is canon confirmation that Link can actually move planets, and it wasn't talking about "earth" as in just moving dirt around, because that would mean that Zelda characters are below planet level, and would be just plain silly.

  

The Running Man




My next piece of evidence to debunk this downplay nonsense that Zelda is only continental or planet level comes from somewhere that I'm honestly surprised that no one else has found yet.
In Ocarina of Time, there is a character called the Running Man who challenges Link to races. No matter how quickly you get there, he will always beat you by one second. You never see him actually run there, he just always appears. You never even see him leave the hut where you start the race, as he insists that you get a head start. If you try to cheat by warping, he knows. There are even those who have attempted to defeat him using the debug controls to arrive before the time starts (see above).

He states that even though your time was 00:00, he still beat you by one second. Again, because statements are truly the most trustworthy sources of information that one can rely on, the only thing we can take from this is that the Running Man must exceed trans-time velocity in order to arrive at the bridge before Link even starts. Clearly, there's no other way to interpret this.

Furthermore, while wearing the Bunny Hood you give him as child Link, he can run even faster. And what's more, Link can actually wear this item in both Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask. This of course means that Link can run faster than faster than trans-time velocity.

Finally, we can disregard the lowballing nonsense that Link is merely hypersonic from Onyx scaling.



Golden Gauntlets



Thanks to Hyrule Historia, we know that the Triforce is omnipotent. Because hyperbole doesn't exist, we can only assume that this is divided evenly between all of its wielders. So yes, in spite of Zelda having practically zero feats, no showings of combat outside of non-canon appearances, and the superior showings of physical strength, durability, and magical items and abilities, and sheer number of games and media appearances the Mario universe has over the Zelda verse, Zelda does in fact beat Peach, Bowser, as well and the entirety of the Mario verse for that matter, because one word in a handibook said so.

 But, even more impressive, Link has access to strength-enhancing equipment such as the Golden Gauntlets, which increase his strength a thousand fold. This makes Link 1000 times stronger than omnipotent.


Beedle


Beedle is a character who has appeared in multiple Zelda titles. Anyone who knows anything about Zelda lore knows that these games are centuries, sometimes even thousands of years apart from each other. While the explanation given for Link and Zelda appearing across multiple places in time is the reincarnation due to the Triforce, the Goddess Hylia, and the Spirit of the Hero, Beedle needs no such divine intervention and simply exists across various places in time and space because he chooses to. And if we've learned anything from Ganondorf, being a recurring character clearly makes you more powerful than others, even if you have no feats or evidence otherwise proving so! What are feats and logic to a GOD?

And again, because they have the Triforce, that means Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf all scale to him.

Let us all take the time to appreciate the greatness that Beedle has done for the sake of Hyrule.  



THAAAAAANK YEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!



Together, my friends, we can put a stop to this unjust downplay. If you won't do it for me, do it for Beedle!


If you have any concerns about the flawless logic presented here, please feel free to refer to my previous blog on Zelda and just pretend that the publishing date on this was six days later.

1 comment:

  1. Man this was hilarious when this came out thanks Shade

    ReplyDelete